It’s Okay to Hurt, but It’s Not Okay to Hate
There have been days lately when my hurt has run so deep it started to feel like hate. And let’s be honest—no one wants to hate someone, especially people we once cared for (or maybe still do). Hate is a terrible way to live. It poisons joy, drains peace, and keeps us stuck in bitterness. Yet, if we’re honest, hate has become so common in our world that it almost feels normal.
Think about it: everyone seems to hate something or someone these days.
“I hate my job.”
“I hate my boss.”
“I hate this state.” (Okay… maybe that one’s just a California thing.)
“I even hate my neighbors.” (True story: I did hate some neighbors a few years back… but they really were the worst. 😉)
Hate has become our default setting. Social media doesn’t help, and neither does the constant stream of bad news. But here’s the real question: does it have to be this way? I don’t think so. And I want to encourage you to believe the same—because our world could use a little less hate and a whole lot more grace.
Someone once said:
“Hate is love twisted and warped by disillusionment and despair.”
– One Day at a Time in Al-Anon
We usually hate:
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What we don’t agree with
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What makes us afraid
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The people who have hurt us
And the hardest kind of hate to deal with is the hate that comes from being hurt by people close to us. Because let’s be real—if we can figure out how not to hate those nearest to us, loving strangers should be a whole lot easier.
The problem is this: unprocessed hurt almost always festers into hate. Small wounds, if ignored, can grow into mountains of bitterness that last for years.
So here’s a gut-check question:
Does your hate for that person actually help your current life situation?
My guess? Probably not.
Jesus’ Challenge
Jesus said it straight:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven.” (Matthew 5:43–45 NIV)
I hate to pull the “Jesus said so” card… but He did. And He wasn’t joking. It’s okay to hurt, but it’s not okay to hate. Why? Because healing doesn’t grow in the soil of hate. Healing only grows in the soil of grace.
I once heard someone explain it this way:
To love your enemies is actually an invitation to have no enemies.
How to Stop Hate in Its Tracks
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Acknowledge it.
Don’t stuff it down. Don’t deny it. Admit the hurt and admit the hate—without shame or condemnation. Being honest about it is the first step toward healing. -
Plant some grace.
Remind yourself of how much grace God has given you. Then remember—the person who hurt you needs that same grace too. Grace doesn’t mean excusing abuse, but it does mean opening the door for healing and freedom. -
Pray (and then pray again).
Not bitter, angry prayers, but prayers for healing and blessing. Something like:
“God, give me the grace to extend grace. Heal my hurt and bring life to the person who hurt me. I trust You with my pain—I don’t need to hold on to hate.”
At the end of the day, grace is never deserved. That’s what makes it grace. God gave it to us through Jesus when we didn’t deserve it. And now we get to give it away—even to those who have hurt us.
Hate may feel natural. Grace, though—it heals.
