What did you Expect?
There are plenty of things I wish I could get a second chance at in life. Sure, it would be great to go back in time and invest in Apple or Facebook, but what about the more subtle things—like my expectations? If I could redo two areas where unhealthy expectations caused the most damage, it would be in pastoral ministry and marriage.
The truth is, just because we expect or wish something to happen doesn’t mean it will. Psychologists call this “magical thinking.” It’s the belief that if I just think or believe the “right way,” good things will automatically happen. For example, if I hope for great weather and it happens to be sunny, I may think my positive thoughts had something to do with it. While psychologists once thought children grow out of this mindset, my experience suggests many of us never fully do. The danger is that magical thinking sets us up for a lifetime of disappointment, all rooted in unrealistic expectations.
Sowing and Reaping
But what about sowing and reaping? The Bible does teach that we reap what we sow. To some extent, we can expect certain outcomes based on cause and effect. If I plant and care for strawberries, I can expect strawberries to grow. But magical thinking is like expecting strawberries to appear just because I pictured them in my mind—without ever planting a seed.
The same dynamic often shows up in relationships. We place expectations on spouses, friends, or coworkers that are not grounded in reality but in wishful or magical thinking. Simply desiring a great relationship doesn’t create one. A thriving marriage, for example, is not built on the romantic notion that someone will “love you till death do us part” simply because you expect it. It’s built through daily self-denial, sacrificial love, and intentional investment.
Unrealistic expectations are relationship killers. They create entitlement and leave behind disappointment, resentment, and broken trust. I’ve seen it in my own life—as a husband, father, pastor, and friend. The inner script often sounds like this: “Because I did/said/felt ______, I deserve ______.” But that’s not love; it’s self-delusion. Real love doesn’t attach conditions to be validated.
Thank God He doesn’t treat us the way we so often treat others. His love is not based on our performance. He loves and accepts us even when we fall short. True love doesn’t demand, manipulate, or keep score. It gives freely—with no strings attached. When love is genuine, it tends to reciprocate naturally, without guilt or pressure.
Thomas Merton once wrote, “The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
That’s the trap of expectations. We twist others into the image we want them to be, rather than loving them as they are. Scripture gives us a better way. In 1 John 3:16 we read: “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.” John makes it even plainer just a few verses later: “Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18, NIV).
“Oughts” and “shoulds” are just expectations in disguise. Love, on the other hand, is action. It’s laying down self for the good of another.
So how do we begin dealing with unrealistic expectations? Here are three practices:
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Live in and accept reality. Stop pretending someone or something will change just because you want it to. Ask, “Is this true?” Then accept it, and choose to love anyway—even when it’s difficult.
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Let go of pride and entitlement. Much of our frustration comes from expecting others to meet needs that only God can fill. When people become a means to an end rather than an end in themselves, everyone loses.
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Love without conditions. Receive God’s unconditional love for you, and extend it to others. If love isn’t unconditional, it isn’t love at all.
Unrealistic expectations will always sabotage relationships—marriage, ministry, or friendship. But when we trade them for truth, humility, and grace, we find something better than control: we find freedom to truly love.
So here’s the question: In what ways have unrealistic expectations sabotaged your relationships—and what might change if you chose to lay them down?
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