Over the years, I’ve had some incredible friends—and I’ve had some really unhealthy ones too. If I’m being honest, I’ve also been a bad friend at times. Most friends don’t intend to cause harm. Usually, their desire is to help, fix, encourage, or protect. The problem is that good intentions don’t always lead to good outcomes.
In my experience, the damage often comes from two places:
either a rigid way of seeing life and faith, or a lack of emotional maturity and self-awareness. When someone hasn’t done their own inner work, their advice—however well-meaning—can end up being more hurtful than helpful. And when that happens, it doesn’t just damage the relationship; it can cause people to trust others, and even God, less.
Being able to trust someone with your pain is one of the most powerful tools for healing and wholeness. On the flip side, having no one safe to talk to almost guarantees that pain will stay buried, unresolved, and destructive.
Not every friend is equally trustworthy. We’re all flawed. We all struggle with pride, defensiveness, and self-centeredness at times. It would be nice if all we had to do was talk to God and everything instantly got better—but while God is always the starting point, He often chooses to do His deepest healing work through people.
The key is not finding perfect friends, but safe ones.
Unfortunately, not all friendships are built for that kind of honesty. Some friends are great for laughs, hobbies, or shared history—but not for vulnerability. Others are more interested in appearing strong, spiritual, or “together” than being real.
As Isaiah bluntly puts it:
“Quit scraping and fawning over mere humans, so full of themselves, so full of hot air.”
— Isaiah 2:22 (The Message, paraphrase)
In our culture, many friendships lack depth. We stay busy, distracted, and surface-level. Real listening takes time, emotional presence, and humility—and not everyone is willing or able to offer that. As a result, many people end up sharing deep pain with friends who simply aren’t equipped to handle it.
This isn’t about “friend-bashing.” There are incredible, emotionally healthy friends out there who are capable of listening, empathizing, and walking with you through hard seasons. The question is: how do you know the difference?
Here are five signs a friend may not be the right person to share your pain with:
If your friend has quick, easy answers to complex and painful situations, find someone else.
If your friend talks more than they listen, find someone else.
If your friend never shares their own struggles, fears, or failures, find someone else.
If your friend uses shame, guilt, or spiritual pressure to motivate you, find someone else.
If your friend regularly tells you to “just get over it” or “pray harder,” but has never done their own healing work, find someone else.
So who should you talk to when you’re hurting?
Start with the most trusted, non-judgmental friends in your life—the ones who can sit with your pain without trying to fix it. If you don’t have those kinds of friends, that’s not a failure—but it is a sign that you may need to intentionally build new relationships.
If safe friendships aren’t available, it may be wise to seek help from a professional therapist, counselor, coach, or support group. These people don’t have to be your buddies. They simply need to be skilled listeners who create space for honesty and healing.
Support groups like Celebrate Recovery, Al-Anon, or Alcoholics Anonymous exist for this very reason: to help people process pain in a safe, non-judgmental environment.
At Pain 2 Purpose, we believe that pain shared in safe places becomes pain transformed. You were never meant to carry your struggles alone—but choosing who you share them with matters more than most of us realize.
So take a moment to reflect:
Who has helped you process pain in a healthy way?
Who has unintentionally made things worse?
And what qualities do you now know you need in safe relationships?
Healing begins when pain is met with empathy, wisdom, and grace.
We specialize in online Christian counseling and coaching for men. Message us for more information and to get started living the life God has purposed for you!
